The Unknown
The Unknown.
It’s the scariest thing in the world, and it’s not even a thing.
During the four years leading up my diagnosis of Parkinson’s Disease, I wrestled daily with the Unknown. I couldn’t escape it. It haunted me, a hellhound following my scent. Sleep was my only escape, a respite from my conscious mind. The Unknown knew this and kept me awake with ruminations. When that didn’t work it tried to invade my dreams.
My body wasn’t acting right. At first it was a pain on the left side of my lower back. Then my left leg would drag about a mile into a run. Then came the tremor.
I was in my thirties. Thought it might be a pinched nerve, a young man’s injury caused by physical activity. When the symptoms wouldn’t go away on their own, I sought help from the professionals. I consulted my general practitioner. I visited two chiropractors, a massage therapist, an acupuncturist, a rheumatologist, and a holistic dentist. I endured two rounds of physical therapy. I visited orthopedic specialists and surgeons, who scanned me from head to toe. And I reluctantly visited four different neurologists.
I say “reluctantly” because neurologists deal with scary diseases. Brain tumors, MS, ALS, Alzheimer’s, Huntington’s, Parkinson’s. I went to four different neurologists because when one told me what I didn’t want to hear, I’d seek out another specialist. But they were all saying the same thing.
They said it might be Parkinson’s, but they couldn’t be sure.
There’s no test for Parkinson’s (at least not one my insurance would pay for). The only way to diagnose the disease is to see how the patient responds to the medications. Also, early-onset Parkinson’s is notoriously difficult to diagnose. However, the disease is progressive. If you have it, just wait. It will get worse.
For four years I lived in denial, and my denial was the door that let in the Unknown.
But in January 2016 one of those four neurologists put his hand on my shoulder and said, “There’s no denying it. You have Parkinson’s Disease.”
My reaction surprised me. I wasn’t shocked. I wasn’t devastated. I was relieved.
The day of my diagnosis was the best day I’d had in a long time because in a flash the enemy I’d been fighting unsuccessfully for four years vanished into thin air. I could stop worrying about the Unknown and focus on treatment, therapy, medicine, exercise, support. No more misdirects, no more what ifs.
You know what? It wasn’t really the Unknown I feared. I was afraid of knowing. But much to my surprise, I found the knowledge empowering.
If you’re wrestling with the Unknown, let me encourage you to seek the truth.
Those symptoms are not going away on their own. They’re pointing to a problem, and it’s only going to get worse until you confront it.
The depression, the anxiety, you’re feeling could be signs of a chemical imbalance. Or there may be trauma in your past that you need to deal with. It’s not going away on its own. Get help. Talk to your doctor. See a counselor. Reach out to a friend.
Your marriage may not just be hitting a “rough patch.” Years of denial may be tearing you and your spouse apart. Stop going through the motions. Talk to each other. Go to a seminar. See a marriage therapist.
That addiction isn’t normal. The drugs. The alcohol. The porn. The gambling. It will consume you. You’re already hooked. There’s no denying it. Tell a friend. Get it out in the open. Enroll in a twelve-step program that will teach you how empowering it is to admit, “I am an addict.”
Whatever it is, stop battling the Unknown. It’s an unworthy opponent. It has no business being in the ring with you. It doesn’t fight fair.
I’ve had Parkinson’s now for eleven years, the first four of which I was fighting the Unknown. My symptoms weren’t as bad then, but life was harder. Since my diagnosis, I am gradually learning to accept reality, and although it’s getting harder to move around, the acceptance has made my life better.
You don’t have to fear the Unknown. Its power is granted by its victims. Confront reality and conquer the Unknown. The knowledge is empowering.
